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DATELINE: SILICON VALLEY, 2026 — In a landmark report released this week, tech analysts confirmed that the single most important factor determining the success of a news story in 2026 is its “Scannability-to-Outrage Ratio” (SOR).

“If a headline generates enough immediate confusion to compel a finger-tap, but the accompanying three-word caption and AI-generated stock photo fail to provide sufficient context, the user is forced into a state of ‘mild, profitable anger,’” explained Dr. Anya Sharma, lead researcher at the Center for Digital Nihilism. “That click is gold.”

News outlets are scrambling to adapt to the new reality. The Washington Post has launched a vertical entirely dedicated to “things that look like other things,” while The New York Times is experimenting with articles that consist solely of 50 consecutive BuzzFeed-style GIFs.

“We found that nobody was reading our Pulitzer-winning investigations into systemic corruption,” said an editor who spoke on condition of anonymity while generating a list of 20 types of artisanal toast. “But when we did a deep dive on avocado ripeness and used a misleading photo of a golden retriever, our traffic surged 400 percent. The people have spoken: They prefer the dog.”