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By Avery Finch, Lifestyle & Etiquette Columnist
January 17, 2026

In the golden era of 2026, we have conquered many things: we have cured the common cold (mostly), we have cars that drive themselves to the dry cleaners, and we have AI Dating Coaches that can predict a breakup three weeks before the first date. Yet, we still haven’t mastered the delicate art of telling a friend that their sudden interest in “exploring new horizons”—specifically those located in the lower latitudes—is a journey we are simply not ticketed for.

The request for “butt stuff” often arrives under the guise of “modern exploration” or “casual curiosity” between friends. It is the conversational equivalent of a pop-up ad: unexpected, slightly intrusive, and very difficult to close without accidentally clicking something you didn’t want. The satirical tragedy of our hyper-consensual age is that we are so afraid of being “uncool” or “unadventurous” that we often forget that “no” is still a complete sentence, even in the most Modern Friendships.

To navigate this without ruining the brunch vibe, one must employ the “Sanitized Shutdown.” You aren’t rejecting them as a person; you are simply opting out of a specific logistical maneuver. It’s not about being a prude; it’s about maintaining the integrity of your personal “No-Fly Zone.” In a world of Sexual Fluidity, the most revolutionary act you can perform is being incredibly boring about your boundaries. A simple, “I value our friendship too much to involve my lower digestive tract,” usually does the trick.