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GENEVA — In a groundbreaking report released today, global health statisticians have confirmed a terrifying new metric that is shaking the foundations of modern medicine. According to a comprehensive data sweep of 2026 mortality rates, researchers have identified a single, unavoidable precursor present in every single death certificate issued in human history: being born. The study, which analyzed billions of data points across centuries, concludes that birth is the absolute “number one leading cause” of eventual demise. While doctors have long focused on secondary symptoms like heart disease, accidents, or old age, this new “Root Cause Theory” suggests that these are merely late-stage complications of a condition contracted in the delivery room. “The correlation is undeniable,” said Dr. Eris Totle, lead researcher of the study. “We looked at the data from every angle, and the trend is hauntingly consistent. Every person who has ever died was, at some point prior to their passing, born. It is a 100% casualty rate with a zero-percent survival window over a long enough timeline.” Public health officials are now scrambling to address this “cradle-to-grave” pipeline. Critics have called the findings “existentially inconvenient,” but the math remains stubborn. As of 2026, birth remains the only physiological event with a perfectly predictable, albeit delayed, fatal outcome. “We spend trillions fighting the symptoms,” the report concludes, “but we’ve been ignoring the primary catalyst. Until we find a way to exist without the prerequisite of being born, the mortality rate will remain stubbornly fixed at one-per-person.”