Real.Good.News.

By Avery Finch | Senior Staff Writer
January 17, 2026

The quiet suburbs of Des Moines were rocked this morning by what neighbors initially thought was a high-stakes standoff involving the GPU Smuggling Rings I reported on last week. But as the smoke cleared and the federal “Chip-Sniffer” drones retracted their sensors, the truth emerged—and it’s more archaic than anyone could have imagined.

Local resident Arthur “Artie” Penhaligon, 42, was taken into federal custody today after authorities discovered he was still in possession of an active, functioning copy of the original 2013 Flappy Bird on a refurbished iPhone 5S.

The Crime: “Unlicensed Nostalgia”

Under the Digital Heritage and Compliance Act of 2025, any software not registered with the Library of Congress’s Digital Preservation Wing or maintained via official app store patches is considered “rogue code.”

While most of us spent the last decade updating our phones until they became sentient brick-shaped spies, Artie committed the ultimate 2026 sin: he stayed offline. By refusing to update his device for twelve years, he inadvertently created a “Digital Dead Zone”—a pocket of the internet that the government’s “Continuous Vetting” AI literally couldn’t see.

The Shocking Crime Scene

When federal agents breached the residence, they didn’t find the high-tech server racks common in modern Compute Prohibition raids. Instead, the scene was a horrifying tableau of the early 2010s:

• The Device: The iPhone 5S was tethered to a hand-cranked emergency generator, as its battery had long since expanded into a spicy lithium pillow.
• The Interface: The screen was so burnt-in with the image of green Mario-style pipes that the “Game Over” screen was visible even when the phone was turned off.
• The Evidence: On the coffee table lay a pile of uncashed “Physical Checks”—a primitive form of currency that the Federal Reserve officially phased out in late 2025.

“It was like walking into a tomb,” said one lead investigator from the NIST AI Resource Center. “There was no tracking metadata. No biometric telemetry. The man was playing a game that didn’t even require an iris scan to unlock. It’s the most dangerous thing I’ve ever seen.”

The “Bird” as a Weapon of Resistance

Federal prosecutors are arguing that by maintaining a device without a federal backdoor, Artie was essentially “cloaking” himself from the national safety grid.

“If everyone kept their 2013 phones, the government would have no way of knowing if you’re currently being radicalized by a cat on strike or if you’re using unauthorized adjectives,” a spokesperson for the Department of Justice remarked during a brief press conference.

How to Avoid an “Ancient Tech” Raid

1. Mandatory Recycling: Ensure all devices older than the 2024 “Safety Patch” are turned in at your local Best Buy for federal decommissioning.
2. Report “Offline” Behavior: If you see a neighbor whose phone still has a physical home button, contact the Cyber-Litter Hotline immediately.
3. Audit Your Apps: Check the App Store’s Compliance List to ensure your games are providing the mandatory 20% of their processing power to the national defense grid.

Artie Penhaligon faces up to fifteen years in a “Digital Literacy Re-education Center,” where he will be forced to play government-sanctioned educational VR games until he forgets what a “pixel” looks like.