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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a legislative pivot that historians are calling “aggressively whimsical,” the U.S. House and Senate passed the National Levity and Millinery Act late Thursday night. The bill, which saw near-unanimous Republican support, officially strikes Martin Luther King Jr. Day from the federal calendar, replacing it with National Silly Hat Day.

The move, described by GOP leadership as a “common-sense solution to historical fatigue,” aims to transition the third Monday of January from a day of reflection on racial justice to a day of mandatory festive headgear.

“We’ve spent decades talking about the ‘arc of the moral universe,’” said one high-ranking Senator while adjusting a chin strap. “And frankly, the American people are exhausted. They don’t want to think about the content of their character; they want to think about the structural integrity of a foam pirate ship perched on their cranium. This is about unifying the country through the shared experience of looking absolutely ridiculous.”

The legislation stipulates that all federal buildings will replace portraits of civil rights icons with instructional posters on how to apply sequins to a ten-gallon hat. The “I Have a Dream” speech, previously a staple of the holiday, will be replaced by a 21-gun salute—using t-shirt cannons that fire rolled-up beanies with propeller tops.

Critics from the thinning opposition argued that the move was a calculated effort to erase the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. However, GOP sponsors were quick to dismiss the claims as “partisan buzzkilling.”

“To those who say we are erasing history, I say: Look at this glitter,” remarked a junior Congressman from the floor. “Dr. King spoke of a mountaintop. We are simply providing the pom-poms to wear while you’re up there. This is the most inclusive holiday in history. Whether you are a billionaire or a common laborer, you are equally required by federal law to wear a hat that honks when you squeeze it.”

The 2026 inauguration of the holiday is expected to feature a “Unity Parade” down Pennsylvania Avenue, where the only permitted form of protest is wearing a hat that is “ironically small.”