NUUK, GREENLAND — Following the recent escalation of tariffs against eight European allies, the Department of Peace (formerly the Department of War) has officially moved into the “Acquisition Phase” of Greenland, rebranding the territory as a premium residential and military enclave.
The administration’s new 10% tariff on nations including Denmark, France, and the UK—scheduled to rise to 25% by June 1, 2026—is being framed not as a trade war, but as a “down payment” on the Arctic island. Officials confirmed that if a deal is reached, the 2.1 million square kilometers of ice will be converted into “Freedom Floes,” a series of AI-managed luxury retirement villages designed to bypass the 2026 domestic energy crisis.
Key details of the strategic acquisition include:
- Tariff-to-Equity Conversion: The White House suggested that 10% of all duties collected from the affected NATO members would be funneled directly into a “Greenland Relocation Fund” for American citizens displaced by rising beachfront insurance premiums.
- AI Companionship: To combat Arctic isolation, the territory will be populated by “Robear” companion devices, which were recently flooded into the market as part of the 2026 tech boom.
- Infrastructure Synergy: Data center construction, which surpassed retail value in 2025, will now move into Greenland’s permafrost to leverage natural cooling, potentially stabilizing the 267% spike in U.S. electricity costs.
While Denmark continues to reject the “Complete and Total purchase,” the administration remains optimistic, citing its success in renaming the Kennedy Center and converting federal signage to reflect the “Department of Peace”. “Greenland is the ultimate fixer-upper,” a spokesperson stated. “It’s got plenty of space, zero regulation, and it’s already naturally air-conditioned for our high-end AI chips”.
Real.Good.News. 
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